Having vs. Practicing
The nuanced yet profound complexity of how a word is used.
There is a difference between having a relationship and practicing relationship. As simple as that sounds, it took me a long time to understand it.
Language Matters
For most of my life, I took the word relationship for granted. I viewed it purely as a noun, describing the bond between people or things:
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
The relationship between exercise and mental health has been well researched and documented.
Our business relationship eventually grew into a friendship.
The teacher worked hard to build a positive relationship with her students.
Scientists are studying the relationship between sleep quality and longevity.
He is struggling to maintain a long-distance relationship with his partner.
Understanding the relationship between cause and effect is important for critical thinking.
Some years ago, I started hearing the word relationship in a different way, one that struck me as intriguing, inspiring, and engaging. Most importantly, it changed the way I was building new relationships and deepening older ones.
Rather than people or things, this use of relationship refers to the act of relating or experiencing. It’s not precisely a verb, but it’s closer to a verb than a noun. Here are some examples:
We are always in relationship, whether we acknowledge it or not.
Many people mistake proximity for relationship.
Being in relationship requires both authenticity and responsibility.
Presence is one of the greatest gifts we can offer in relationship.
Empathy allows us to remain in relationship across differences.
Relationship is not a destination but an ongoing practice.
After bringing this up in conversations with people, I learned that few actually use the word relationship in this manner. Most were also struck by how differently the word comes across, and how “active” or “alive” it is when used in this manner. It feels more human, more emotional, and more personal.
Why This Matters to Standards
This contrast also led me to realize that, when it comes to standards, how we use the word relationship is extremely important and that the idea of having relationship standards is extremely challenging.
Very simply, I don’t believe we can have the same standards for every relationship in our lives. But I do believe we can have standards for how we practice relationship with anyone.
Let me unpack this by comparing and contrasting how the two uses of relationship interface with the idea of standards.
Standards and Having a Relationship
Every relationship between people is incredibly unique because each individual is unique, the context of their connection is unique, and when they build a relationship, that uniqueness becomes exponential. This is true even between parents and children, friends, siblings, and partners…the closest relationships we tend to have.
This exponential uniqueness explains why:
as parents, we may love our children equally but we parent them with different standards. For example, giving one child more “freedom” because they have demonstrated greater responsibility or better judgment.
our behavior with different friends is based on different standards. For example, asking a certain friend more questions because they don’t initiate much conversation.
the way we show affection with a spouse or partner is based on different standards. For example, one person may be comfortable with public displays of affection, while another may prefer to express affection more privately.
The point is that we can’t set the same standards for all the relationships we have. Sure, we can set standards for specific relationships; in fact, I believe that’s incredibly important, if not essential.
For example, I have different standards for my relationship with each of my daughters because each of them is different from the other. I have standards for my relationship with my partner, and different standards for each relationship with my closest friends. I have different standards for my relationship with my mother than I do with my father. And while I have some common standards for my client relationships, I also have unique standards for individual clients because of their uniqueness.
Standards and Practicing Relationship
Some of the standards I follow in one relationship I have might apply to others, however, I don’t believe there are any standards that apply to all the relationships I have.
But when it comes to practicing relationship, I do believe there can be common standards. For example:
listening attentively
being responsive
taking responsibility
treating others with respect
speaking honestly
following through
expressing gratitude and appreciation
Back to all the relationships I have: I would like to think that I practice these standards with every one of those people. Of course, I’m human so as much as I may try, I probably don’t meet these standards in every interaction. But I know that I try to practice them consistently.
Put another way, I learned that standards for having a relationship with one person can’t be applied to practicing relationship with everyone. But standards for practicing relationship can be applied to having a relationship with anyone.
How I’ve Put This to Use
First, I realized that I didn’t just want to have relationships, I wanted to practice relationship.
Second, I started paying close attention to which of my relationships I wanted to invest in, which ones gave me energy, and which ones helped me grow. That thought process alone helped me understand how I wanted to be in relationship with those people.
Third, I started to brainstorm specific standards I could set to be in deeper relationship with the ones I wanted to invest in, got energy from, and helped me grow. Here are examples of those standards:
asking more questions
being more vulnerable and more of an “open book
sharing more specific appreciations
telling people more frequently that I wanted to see and/or talk with them
in a similar sense, making it a priority to share time with someone anytime they expressed their desire to see and/or talk with me
What I realized was that the relationships I have (and were starting) were far healthier than before because I set standards for practicing relationship.
So I leave you with two questions:
What relationships do you have that you want to deepen, improve and/or make healthier?
What standards can you set to practice relationship with those people?