The Simplest Standard for Relationships
It's one thing to know it, it's another to meet it.
Years ago, I had a professional colleague with whom I had developed a healthy working relationship.
We started our jobs at the same time. We weren’t co-workers in the purest sense and neither of us reported to the other yet, technically, we were on the same team. We were on a lot of correspondence together and periodically attended the same meetings. Our individual work complemented one another’s to a certain degree and we often talked about different ways we might collaborate.
My colleague’s intellectual prowess, passion for their work, and playful nature all contributed to my desire to spend time with them. I welcomed them to meetings I held. I wanted to get coffee and have lunch with one another. I invited them to join me at a concert by one of my all-time favorite bands. And even though we didn’t hang out much outside of work, I probably would have called this person a friend.
As the years went by, however, things started to change.
I started experiencing passive-aggressive behavior and language in our 1:1 conversations. I increasingly felt like they were competing with me, comparing and contrasting how much better and more effective their work was. At times, I was even told by this person how I should do my job. And I still have emails from them that would likely cause leaders in the C-suite and HR departments to cringe, if not take disciplinary action.
When this person asked me to nominate them for a high-profile award, and I responded that I don’t do things like that at someone’s request but rather by my own accord, they said there are times we should put aside our principles (today, I would interpret that as standards!). And after I left that job, I learned that this person was actively campaigning for my role before I had even resigned.
As this pattern of behavior evolved, I concluded that I no longer wanted to be in relationship with this person and no longer considered them a friend. Fundamentally, the shift that I realized was that they were taking more energy from me than I was receiving from them.
THE STANDARD
This experience taught me the importance of drawing a line in the sand with relationships, the simplest and most important standard I now set when it comes to people in my life. And it can be articulated in a number of ways:
I build and maintain relationships with people…
from whom I get more energy than I give.
who charge my battery rather than deplete it.
with whom I feel more “blue sky” than “gray sky.”
who fill my bucket rather than empty it.
who breathe life into me rather than suck life out of me.
Of course, it’s one thing to set this standard, and another to actually meet it.
Through my work with emotional intelligence, I’ve learned that virtually everyone has relationships that take more energy that they give. In the case of my former colleague, it was fairly easy to let the relationship end (meeting my standard) because it was professional in nature and I moved on from our employer. However, most of us have such relationships with close friends and family members, and that’s where things get tricky, touchy, and tough. We know that sometimes we just can’t end the relationship.
For me, I’ve gradually learned how to meet this standard by limiting the frequency with which I interact and the length of time that I spend with the other person. The truth is that I have some people in my life whose company I do enjoy in small doses. I care about them, I want to hear about their life, and they make me laugh and smile. However, at a certain point in our interactions, I start feeling tapped out.
So rather than experiencing the reaction of wanting to end a conversation or leave the setting or simply hide (!), I go into the interaction knowing what my limit is. And then, as that time starts approaching, I deliberately find a way to bring the interaction to a close. And not once has the other person seen this coming.
Now, it’s important to recognize that every relationship has moments when our energy is taken up. As a father of two adult daughters, there were many times in their adolescent and teenage years when my energy was being depleted. But those occasions were fairly infrequent and short-term; the vast majority of the time, I got tremendous energy from each of them.
The same goes with co-workers, significant others, neighbors, family members, etc. Every one takes our energy, depletes our battery, and empties our bucket from time to time. The question we have to ask is, does this happen more often than not and is it a continuously one-sided affair?
TWO CHALLENGES
Over the years, I’ve learned that most people know about the giving/getting energy dynamic in relationships. However, I’ve also learned that very few people actually do something about it. Therefore, I have two challenges for you.
First, I encourage you to define what “energy” means to you and/or how it is generated for you.
For me, I derive energy from someone through inspiration, deep conversation, attentive listening, humor, common interests, shared values, thoughtful questions, and their vulnerability.
When I feel that someone wants to get to know me, wants me to get to know them, can stimulate my intellectual curiosity, cares about mutual connection, and is comfortable “going there,” I get energy. It doesn’t matter where and how this happens: on a hiking trail, over a meal, on a phone call, etc. I do know that it’s not going to happen at a movie, concert, or other crowded place where we can’t pay attention to each other.
Secondly, once you’ve defined “energy” for yourself, I encourage you to set the simple standard of building and maintaining relationships with people from whom you get more energy than you give. I know it’s a big undertaking so I further encourage you to start small in one of the following ways.
You can make a list of your friends, family members, and co-workers and rate them on the energy dynamic. Perhaps you simply label them as “give” or “get.” Or you can rate them on a scale of 0-10, zero being you get no energy and 10 being you get unlimited energy. And, of course, you can give them a grade based on the A-F system. Just this awareness is likely going to help you take the next steps in meeting the standard.
You can choose one relationship where you give more energy than you receive, and then set a limit on the frequency of interaction and/or length of time you spend with that person.
When building a new relationship, you can consistently ask yourself whether you’re getting more energy from that person than you’re giving.
***
I set this simple standard (giving/getting energy) for myself about seven years ago. In that time, I’ve let one longtime friendship come to an end and closely managed virtually all my interactions with friends, family members, and professional contacts. Perhaps most importantly, I only build new relationships with people from whom I get energy fairly quickly, knowing that they’re worth investing my time early on so that they become fruitful early on.
We all know that relationships are hard. They require a lot of time and effort to make them grow and flourish. But when they require more energy from our side than the other, it’s time for us to draw a line in the sand.