21 Standards for True Friendship
That are all about making daily choices.
Over the last five years, I’ve paid attention to the idea of friendship more than I ever did in the prior decades of my life.
I’ve made a number of new friends, become friends with former acquaintances, deepened relationships with long-time friends, re-connected with long-lost friends, and “broken up” with others.
I think about, journal about, and discuss friendship a whole lot more. I spend exponentially more time than ever connecting with friends via phone, video calls, in person, and text. When I met a woman whose company I enjoyed, I was focused on building a friendship for four months before expressing a desire to date her; she’s now one of my closest friends. And in my new town, I host meetup events called “Make New Friends.”
All of this has happened in my 50s, and I’m aware of why.
The combination of grown children, a divorce, moving from my hometown, a lot more travel, a bit more wisdom, a deeper appreciation of relationship, and stronger interpersonal skills (hopefully ;-) have all led to a heightened desire to build meaningful friendships and deepen existing ones.
But the one thing that has elevated this experience is increasingly living a life based on standards, and discovering how powerful they are to my relationships. I’m hoping that you may know this already and, if not, perhaps you may be inspired to think about it as a result of reading this article.
It Goes Both Ways
While there’s obvious truth in the folk saying, “you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends”, what’s missing is that your friends must choose you as well. After all, friendship is a two-way street.
By “choose,” I don’t just mean the decision you both make of selecting each other as a friend. What I mean is the daily choice you both make to invest time in that particular friendship: building the relationship, overcoming difficulty, showing up when the other has a need, and so on.
I believe that what underpins all these daily choices and behaviors are standards. But it’s not that simple because of five unique dynamics:
You have your personal standards for friendship, and they often change over time.
Similarly, each of your friends has their own personal standards which also change.
Both sets of standards must be in relative harmony for the friendship to continue and grow.
As time goes on, standards emerge that are unique to the friendship itself, separate from your individual ones.
Perhaps most importantly, each friend must avoid the trap of expectations which, as I’ve written extensively about, are unhealthy and cancerous to relationships.
These dynamics make the concept of friendship very complex, especially as we mature and gain greater clarity in our lives. But as you can see, they start with the idea of having standards in the first place.
Friendship Standards
There are so many standards that can exist in our respective worlds of friendship that it’s impossible to itemize them all. In fact, I searched my journal entries over the past five years and found dozens that I either wrote about explicitly or referred to in my musings and reports of time spent with friends.
Furthermore, based on the work I do in emotional intelligence coaching and training, there are many standards that I identified which could be healthy for any friendship. And I imagine that if I simply had a personal brainstorming session, I could come up with even more.
But to start, below are 21 standards that I believe are foundational for true friendship.
You express a desire to see or talk with your friend, using language like “I want to” or “I’d love to” or “When can I see/talk with you?”
You consistently share something that your friend finds valuable - support, resources, experiences, encouragement, wisdom, knowledge, contacts, etc.
You reach out with a simple greeting or message when you think about them and/or haven’t communicated with them in a while.
You suggest specific dates and times to be with one another rather than saying, “We should get together sometime” or “Let’s make some plans” or “Let’s touch base” or “Hope to see you soon,” or something similarly non-committal.
You respond within an acceptable amount of time when a friend reaches out with a question. “Acceptable” depends on many contextual factors like relationship history, personal responsibilities, your ages, etc.
You ask questions and share experiences rather than giving unsolicited advice.
You respect and respond to their preferred mode of communication (text, call, social DM, email, etc.) rather than emphasizing what you prefer.
You’re able to express emotion for your friend, saying things like “I miss you” or “I love you” or “I wish we could see each other more often” or “It was awesome to see/talk with you.”
You celebrate your friend’s small wins rather than question or ignore them.
You validate their emotions rather than question or ignore them.
You respond affirmatively to their requested favors, as long as they’re within reason and your capability.
You check in with them when they’re going through a hard time, and offer specific ways to help them.
You spend more time talking about the present and future than the past.
You follow up with your friend about things you committed to.
You respond to their communications (even with a simple emoji) within an acceptable amount of time no matter how “busy” you are.
You smile when you see their name pop up on your phone.
You listen attentively to them, avoiding distractions that are in your control.
You accept the life your friend is living, even if you don’t like or agree with certain aspects.
You express your understanding of what they’re going through and how they’re living their life, even if you don’t like or agree with certain aspects.
You let them talk about what they want without judging them, making assumptions, or drawing conclusions.
You take advantage of unique or rare opportunities to see your friend, even if that means re-prioritizing your schedule.
I hope to use this list as a means to intentionally build stronger friendships going forward. And I hope the list may help you reflect a little on what your standards are with your different friends, consider how well you meet those standards on a daily basis, and feel inspired to set new or different standards.
Truth be told, our friends’ standards must be in harmony with ours for the relationship to continue, grow, and flourish. We could do any or all of the above but, if the language and behaviors aren’t practiced in return, then it’s likely that the friendship isn’t meant to be. But the only way to find out is by taking a leadership role, setting an example, and talking about the mere idea of standards in our relationship.
And What Else?
In closing, I want to know what standards you already have and live by when it comes to your friendships. To keep it simple, think of your closest friends, and your individual choices. What language and behavior do you consistently practice? What do you consistently observe in them?
Please share your experiences in the comments section. And thank you for reading!