The Standards Mindset
It requires a certain type of thinking.
Suffice to say that whenever I have a long interaction with someone, somehow the topic of standards comes up. Or should I say that somehow I bring up the topic!
Like most interactions and conversations, the ones I have cover a lot of ground. We can be talking about family, work, emotional intelligence, life partners, baseball, the outdoors, personal growth, iced coffee, or live music. One way or another, something comes up whereby the other person expresses a negative emotion about something: disappointment, frustration, annoyance, anger, etc. And that becomes an opportunity to bring up the differences between standards and expectations.
Sometimes the other person barely responds. And other times, they get intrigued. We have a lengthier exchange, I wax poetic about my passion for standards, we discuss a variety of contexts and examples, and it becomes a vibrant, stimulating discussion (truth be told: many ideas I get for this newsletter come from these moments).
What’s coolest of all is when I later hear them casually use the language of “standards” in a conversation, text message, or email. It’s not a common thing in my life yet but it’s happening with greater frequency, and it’s opening my eyes.
What I’m discovering is that people who start using the language or, better yet, actually start setting standards in their life are building a standards mindset. And, of course, it’s something I know very well because I’ve increasingly adopted one over the past 10+ years.
WHAT IS A STANDARDS MINDSET?
A standards mindset is a way of thinking, a way of looking at the world, a way of seeing how life can be a little easier and satisfying through the use of standards.
It’s comparable to a family mindset, in which some people put an extremely high emphasis on their family, treat friends like family, and identify with all things family-related. They spend most of their free time with family, perhaps work with family, say their best friends are family members, etc. The standards mindset is comparable to a sports mindset, in which some people spend an inordinate amount of time thinking, reading, listening, and talking about sports. They use sports metaphors, join fantasy leagues, start conversations with people wearing team merchandise, etc.
As you can see, the standards mindset isn’t about having high standards or even “higher” standards than the next person. The standards mindset is thinking about, and living with, standards. Period.
That means that if you have one, you come up with standards when you’re starting a new practice: writing, exercise, yoga, mindfulness. Or when you’re trying to make improvements in your life, you’re setting a new bar for not what you want to achieve but how. Perhaps you’ve been eating well in recent years and now you decide you want to follow the Mediterranean diet or start intermittent fasting. Or you have a relationship that is on the rocks, and you suggest that you and your partner go to counseling. It could be that the relationship you’re in that was on the rocks is now healing because of counseling, and you suggest that you and your partner continue the process.
You have a standards mindset when you view everyday occurrences through the lens of how people do things: the way drivers navigate their vehicles and obey traffic signs, the way parents treat their children, the way the restaurant server takes your order. You notice when things don’t seem “right” as a result, and it’s because you sense that it might be because of a lack of standards or an inability to meet them.
The standards mindset develops when you realize you have non-negotiables: what you will tolerate and what you won’t, what you must do and what you can’t. Perhaps it’s acceptable when people use swear words in conversations with you but unacceptable when they use swear words directed at you. Perhaps you’re willing to forgive friends who are always late but won’t when they are a no-show. Perhaps you’re willing to take long road trips but not drive past a certain hour.
You have a standards mindset when you are proactive about relationships in your life. You don’t wait for friends and family to contact you but rather you reach out to them. You focus on creating time with them that is likely to deepen the relationship for both parties. You are comfortable initiating hard conversations because you know, if left unaddressed, the issues will likely fester and cause bigger problems down the road.
SYSTEM 1 AND SYSTEM 2
Like all mindsets, the one for standards is rooted in consciousness and awareness. And over time, with practice, the mindset becomes subconscious. How does this happen? Through the magic of what behavioral scientists call system 1 and system 2 thinking.
System 1 thinking is fast, automatic, intuitive, and can’t be turned off.
It’s a way of thinking and behaving that comes naturally to us and/or happens without any thought. An example is when you see the equation, 2 + 2 = __. You automatically know the answer. It’s intuitive and fast, you can’t turn it off. You learned it early in school, and it was wired in your brain cells through repetition and application.
Another example of system 1 thinking is a hobby that you learned years ago that you continue to practice or participate in. Whether it’s basketball, tennis, weaving, playing drums, or kayaking, you don’t need to think much about performing the basics of the activity. You know how to stitch the yarn into your desired piece, you know what arc and speed to shoot the basketball towards the net, or you know how to paddle with rhythm and consistency on the water. In each case, it’s fast, automatic, and intuitive. You can’t turn it off.
A final example is anytime you struggle with emotional regulation. If someone says something to you that triggers fear or anger, if something in the news upsets you, or if a loved one disappoints you because they didn’t meet an expectation of yours, those are all examples of system 1 thinking. Your reaction is fast, automatic, intuitive, and obviously emotional. You can’t turn it off.
In contrast, system 2 thinking requires thought. It’s slow, deliberate, logical, and must be turned on. You’re aware that you’re thinking.
System 2 thinking kicks in when you see the equation 117 + 389 = __. You likely don’t know the answer automatically and you realize you are thinking how to solve the equation through long addition and that you must “carry the one.”
System 2 gets used when you’re kayaking in open waters, suddenly the waves start increasing in size, and you think about how quickly and efficiently you must paddle to get to shore. It gets used when you’re playing basketball or tennis against better players and you must think about how you can compete with them with different moves on the court.
When it comes to emotional regulation, system 2 is when you’re at a gathering and you hear something upsetting and don’t want to create a scene so you pause to create space for yourself. Or when a loved one says something that shocks you, and you take some time to process what you heard and how to respond. Or when someone cuts in front of you in a line, and you notice they’re a parent with a child that’s giving them a hard time, and you decide to not say anything because it’ll make matters worse.
In other words, system 2 thinking is when you start building a mindset for something: how to paddle in unique situations, how to adjust your game, and how to respond in difficult settings. System 2 thinking must be turned on. It’s a conscious choice you make, often in the moment, to think differently about what’s in front of you and perhaps the action you will or will not take.
As a result, this conscious awareness of thinking is what I believe is necessary to start building a mindset for anything. And if you find that you already have a certain mindset - family, sports, creativity, humor - it’s probably because it’s subconscious and has become system 1 thinking for you.
BUILDING A STANDARDS MINDSET
If you currently talk about standards, consistently set them in various parts of your life, and view how things are done through such a lens, it’s system 1 thinking for you: fast, automatic, and can’t be turned off. You already have a standards mindset.
But if you don’t and are curious about starting to build one, as you might imagine, it’ll require system 2 thinking: slow, intentional, and deliberate thought.
Here are three different ways I believe you can begin the journey towards building a standards mindset:
When you’re out in the world, asking yourself what standards you observe, experience, and can imagine.
Discovering where you already have standards.
Thinking about expectations you have in your life that you would like to turn into standards.
As I’ve built a standards mindset over the years, I’ve concluded that it’s made my life more fulfilling and predictable. I feel more self-assured and confident, and find myself rarely experiencing negative emotions. Those are outcomes of not only adopting a standards mindset but living to them.
Whether you can relate to this because you also have such a mindset, or you’ve been gradually building one, or this is entirely new to you and you want to experiment with it, please share your experiences as time goes on in the comments section below.
I firmly believe that this is a secret to building a far more satisfying life, one day at a time, and would love to connect with those who can see that as well.