The Best Four Standards for Relationships
I am obsessed with this book.
I am obsessed with the book, The Four Agreements. And it’s because the subject matter in the title very well might be the best standards ever for relationships.
Over the past two years, I’ve been increasingly practicing the agreements, and literally grading myself on how well I do with them. I’ve found myself bringing up the book content in the course of normal conversation with all types of people. I’ve been incorporating them into the work I do with emotional intelligence training. I recently delivered a talk on The Four Agreements for some of my clients. I bought the book for my two daughters and a close friend, and even purchased a poster from the author’s web site to frame and hang on my wall so the agreements become further etched in my mind and spirit.
So yes, it’s safe to say I’m rather obsessed. And I’d like to think that alongside the obsession, I’m starting to get a little better at embodying the agreements and living them on a daily basis.
If you’re not familiar with The Four Agreements, the book was written by don Miguel Ruiz, published in 1997, and is based on ancient Mexican wisdom, specifically from the indigenous Toltec society/tribe. It’s also been on the New York Times bestseller list for over a decade and was #3 on Amazon’s list for 2021.
Here are The Four Agreements, with summary descriptions taken directly from the official web site.
Be Impeccable With Your Word - “The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life. The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.”
Don’t Take Anything Personally - “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”
Don’t Make Assumptions - “Humans have a need to explain and justify everything; we have a need for knowledge, and we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know. Truth or fiction, we believe 100 percent in what we believe, and we go on believing it, because just having knowledge makes us feel safe. But instead of asking questions when we don’t know something, we make all sorts of assumptions. If we just ask questions, we won’t have to make assumptions.”
Always Do Your Best - “Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good. When you wake up refreshed and energized in the morning, your best will be better than when you are tired at night. Your best will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick; it will depend on whether you are feeling wonderful and happy, or angry and upset.”
As I read those summary descriptions, I realize how simplistic and “obvious” they seem, as you may have as well. So much that they’re the types of claims and statements (especially agreements 2-4; agreement 1 could also be viewed as “communicate effectively”) that are widely viewed as common sense but, as we know, not necessarily common practice.
But if you do read or have read the book, you’ll experience the detail with which Ruiz expounds on each of the agreements with simple, straightforward, and concise language. This makes the book a fairly simple read; it’s only 138 pages long and the agreements are covered in less than half that (those four chapters are the strongest and, obviously, most relevant). Furthermore, much of his content is built on repetition and redundancy which, on its surface, might appear annoying and unnecessary but which I found to be helpful in driving home his points.
Ultimately, the reason I’ve found The Four Agreements so compelling is that they form the basis of what could be the most powerful standards in a relationship. No matter if it’s a family member, new or longtime friend, loved one, or significant other, I believe The Four Agreements can be a useful tool in our interactions with others and for building strong, durable relationships.
Agreement 1: Be Impeccable with Your Word
This agreement is perhaps the most vague or difficult to interpret of the four.
For me, one of the most helpful passages in this chapter was “You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love. How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word.”
Ruiz further says that “impeccability” means “without sin.” So when you are impeccable with your word, that means you are not committing a sin against yourself.
Taking these two ideas into consideration (self-love and without sin), I interpret this agreement to mean that my word or communication is a pure reflection of my being; there is consistency between who I am and what I say.
In the context of a relationship standard, I take this to mean that I will not go against my values, beliefs, and principles when communicating with others but instead use them as the basis for how I communicate.
I choose my words and language so carefully that they reflect my inner being as it is rather than how I want to be perceived, what I want the other person to feel/do, or what I’m trying to accomplish. And over time, as someone experiences consistency with the words, language, and style of my communication, they are less likely to be confused by what I might be trying to say.
That, in turn, helps build greater harmony in the relationship. By being impeccable with my word (not going against my values, beliefs, etc.), I show integrity to the other person, whether they’re in my personal or work life. I say and do things that are aligned with what I believe. And the more I do that, the more consistency there is between who I am and what I say.
When that consistency exists, I’m able to “manage” the other person’s expectations because, over time, my language, actions, and behavior become fairly predictable. In other words, by following this agreement and making it a standard of mine, I can actually manage another person’s expectations.
Agreement 2: Don’t Take Anything Personally
This is one of those “obvious” statements that is easier said than done. And to Ruiz’s credit, he discusses that issue at length
In the context of relationships, I’ve been working hard on this for many years. In fact, it’s aligned with the work I’ve been doing on empathy and compassion, and I’ve concluded that the two are intertwined.
Imagine if you had the capacity to consistently show up with both cognitive and emotional empathy.
Cognitive empathy is when you’re able to understand what/how someone thinks - their worldviews, perspectives, logic, and reason. Most of the time, we build cognitive empathy by listening to someone’s words, thoughts, feelings, and explanations. We don’t have to agree with all of that nor do we have to like it. We simply must try to understand.
In contrast, emotional empathy is when you’re able to understand what/how someone feels - their emotions, sentiments, physical sensations, and thoughts. Most of the time, we build emotional empathy by not only listening to someone but also noticing and observing vocal tone, body language and gestures, non-verbals, eye contact, and facial cues. Once again, we don’t have to agree with or like how someone is feeling, we simply must try to understand.
As part of the work I’ve tried doing in these areas, I’ve reflected (and continue to think about in the moment) the many times people close to me said or did something which I took personally. When I was offended. When I felt sad, disgusted, or guilty. When I carried around negative thoughts and emotions for days.
Going a step further - and this had been admittedly hard - I’ve tried to put aside all that personal impact and think about the other person. What might have been going on in their life or mind? What were their worries, insecurities, concerns? Were they motivated by fear, were they feeling threatened, or did they feel unsafe?
Those questions then started becoming part of my thought process when dealing with people in the moment, when I’d try spending the time and energy to build cognitive and emotional empathy during interactions. I tried to pay better attention - and listen deeply - to what others were saying, how they were showing up, why they thought the way they did. Rather than focusing on myself, I tried to focus on them.
What I found is that I would rarely, if ever, take things personally simply because I had a deeper level of understanding of the other person. I discovered that’s how they are, that’s how they think, and that’s how they feel. Again, I often found that I did not like some of that or even agree with it, but it was so much easier to conclude that it’s their issue and not mine.
So what was the solution for doing all this? Asking more questions. When I ask more questions of someone about what/how they're thinking and what/how they’re feeling, I get far more data than when I don’t. And I put myself in position to not take anything personally.
Agreement 3: Don’t Make Assumptions
Once again, this agreement is one of those “easier said than done” things.
Like many people, I would often make assumptions and judgements about other people based on our relationship history, general experiences I’ve had in the past with similar people, what others said about those people, and so forth. And as most of us have learned the hard way over time, many of my assumptions were often wrong.
So what’s been the solution? Interestingly, the same thing that works for Agreement 2 has worked here: ask more questions. And to take it a step further, the type of questions that particularly help when I find myself wanting to make assumptions is clarifying questions: “Can you please clarify what you meant by ____?” or “Can you help me understand what you’re trying to communicate?” or “Can I tell you what I’m hearing so you can clarify whether I’m on the right track?”
There’s also been another strategy that has taken my ability to not make assumptions to an entirely different level, and that’s the concept known as unconditional positive regard (UPR), where we view someone in a positive light and accept them as they are in that moment; in other words, meeting them where they are. No matter how little or how much they show/tell us, we accept what they are saying or doing in that moment as their truth and in a positive manner.
When we have UPR for someone, we keep our attention focused on them by avoiding the internal, emotional distractions in our mind that result from judgements or assumptions, which are often critical or negative.
For example, if a colleague of mine makes an introduction to one of their friends and warns me about their tendency to interrupt people during conversations, I go into our first interaction without judgement or an assumption that it’ll happen to me. Instead, I trust that our conversation will go as it would with anyone who doesn’t interrupt.
However, if they actually do interrupt me during the conversation, I keep them in a positive light and accept them for how they’re behaving. I may even ask them if it’s ok for me to finish my thoughts, or if they could wait until I’m done before responding (tapping into the first strategy to avoid assumptions - asking questions ;-). In other words, I don’t let them “railroad” me or dominate the conversation. I do assert myself as an equal in the interaction while also not succumbing to the assumptions and conclusions that our mutual friend may have led me to believe about them.
Agreement 4: Always Do Your Best
This might be my favorite agreement. And once again, it might sound like a clichéd statement but it’s far more nuanced that its brevity.
As I shared in the opening descriptions of the agreements, Ruiz reminds us to “keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.”
What this has done for me in the context of relationships is not provide grace to myself after I’ve said or done something that I wish I handled differently. Instead, it provides a basis of grace before I interact with someone and, more importantly, a standard to meet.
For example, if I’m out late one night with friends and, as a result, don’t get a full night’s rest, I’m likely not going to be as mentally acute the following morning. So if I have a breakfast meeting with someone, or a training session that I have to deliver to a new client, or an early call with a friend, I know I’m not going to be at my best. But by following this agreement, I’m still going to do my best.
I’m going to show up with as much energy, attention, and presence as I might with a full night’s rest. I’m going to do my best to listen, respond thoughtfully, and build or deepen a connection. And while I know that my best is just not going to be the same as it otherwise might be, I’m still going to try.
The reason I believe this agreement can be so powerful is because it sends a message to the other person that, despite how I might be feeling in a moment (from lack of sleep, experiencing a low personal moment, or coming out of a highly stressful situation), I care about them enough to do the best I can in our shared time together. And when I do that, I hope it comes across as compassionate behavior.
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So there you have it: The Four Agreements which I believe are the absolute best standards for a relationship.
Imagine if you were compelling with your word, didn’t take anything personally, didn’t make assumptions, and always did your best in your closest relationships. And imagine if the other people did the same.
So many of our problems, miscommunications, and issues in relationships are due to the fact that we don’t abide by these agreements. When that happens, we succumb to having expectations which, as I’ve written about, can be highly damaging in relationships. Instead, if we replace those expectations with standards - namely, The Four Agreements - we put ourselves in position to have long-lasting, fruitful, and deeply enjoyable relationships.