Make Better Friends by Setting Clear Standards
Turn Acquaintances into Friends and Deepen Your Existing Friendships
Over the past few months, I’ve held two workshops and intentionally started at least ten conversations on the topic of friendship. One central insight I’ve had: if you want different relationships, you must act differently.
After all, true friendship doesn’t happen by accident; it happens with effort, intention, and reciprocity.
What I’ve learned is that the missing piece isn’t just meeting new people or meeting more people; it’s having clear standards about what matters to you, and then living those standards. Standards focus your effort, signal what you value, and make mutuality - the engine of real friendship - possible.
SITUATIONAL VS. INTENTIONAL
Virtually everyone has made friends at school, in their neighborhood, at their workplace, at the gym, through a running club, with parents whose kids go to the same school, and so on. Such friendship is often situational, based on circumstances and maybe even coincidence. It “just happens.”
The alternative is intentional friendship: a conscious, active practice of meeting people and building relationships. It doesn’t “just happen”…you make it happen. And the beauty is that it can develop into a habit and a repeatable process…especially when standards are put into place (more to come on that later).
I’ve cultivated this idea of intentional friendship through my own experience and by talking with people who are trying to make new friends. As a consequence, I realized that there are three reasons (so far) why people pursue intentional friendship.
Life transitions. Whether it’s moving to a different city, changing careers, becoming an empty-nester, or getting divorced, such transitions expose a new reality: the need to meet new people in order to make new friends.
Widening mismatch. Some people reach a point where they discover that established relationships just don’t cut it. Either side has grown in different ways, taken on new responsibilities, developed new values and interests, adopted different beliefs, found a life partner, etc. As a result, they decide they want new friends.
Desire for depth. I’ve not only heard about this from other people, I’ve also experienced it. We don’t want friendships that are based on shallow conversation, small talk, memories of the past, or just doing things together. We want friendships rooted in personal connection and deep conversation. Sometimes this means the desire for closer relationships with current friends, and other times (see #2 above ;-) it means new friendships.
WHY STANDARDS MATTER
Standards are lines in the sand you draw for yourself about how you’ll behave and what you’ll accept from other people. They are not expectations and they aren’t rigid morality. Your standards are measures of how you define quality, what you believe is important, and how you make decisions.
Two dynamics show why standards are so powerful when it comes to friendship.
First, standards focus effort. Building relationships takes time; standards help you spend that time intentionally by doing the work on those relationships that actually have the potential for better friendship.
Second, standards focus selection. By clarifying what your standards are (prompt responses, one-on-one time, reciprocal vulnerability), you can identify who’s worth investing in. And if you have the courage to signal or explicitly state those standards, you can discover who has aligned values and interests, making the relationship-building process go smoother.
STANDARDS PEOPLE ACTUALLY FOLLOW
Across the conversations and workshops I’ve held on friendship, people have shared practical standards that made a real difference when building their highest-quality friendships:
Conversation: “I prioritize one-on-one time.” Group events are great for meeting people; they rarely create the time and space for deeper and wider conversation. When you set a standard for one-on-one hangouts like hikes, coffees, car rides, and dinners, you accelerate closeness because such interactions create space for conversation, the true driver of friendship.
Responses: “I respond promptly and only want friends who do the same.” Promptness is less about specific timing and more about how someone prioritizes reciprocity. If someone ghosts repeatedly, it’s a clear signal about their priorities. And if they do respond within an “adequate” timeframe and/or acknowledge any delays in doing so, it’s also a clear signal about their priorities.
Reciprocal vulnerability: “I’ll be open; I want similar openness in return.” Vulnerability begets vulnerability. If you’re comfortable sharing, but the other person never reciprocates, that mismatch is a usable filter: you can preserve your energy for those who do meet you halfway. Many people commented that their best friendships are with those who are comfortable opening up because of mutual trust.
Effort & follow-through: “If we make plans, we commit.” Relationships require logistics: scheduling, following up, showing up. When the investment is consistently one-sided, friendship stalls; standards make that visible. People who have this standard talk about not becoming friends with people who say, “We should get together” or “Let’s meet up sometime.” Instead, they prioritize friendship with those who say, “When is good for you?” or “How about lunch next week?”
Permission for advice: “I ask before I give advice.” One of the potential downsides of vulnerability is that some people misread opening up as a request for advice. Not everyone is looking for their problem to be solved; some just want to be heard, and others may just want some support. This standard of asking permission respects autonomy and keeps conversations collaborative. And it can set the tone for requesting that the new friend also asks permission.
Negativity & hijacking: “I won’t let conversations be dominated by chronic negativity or one-upping.” That kind of behavior drains connection; naming it as a standard preserves the quality of your interactions and helps you draw a line in the sand of what you will and will not accept.
Interruptions: “It’s frustrating when I can’t finish a thought.” Like negativity and hijacking, this too drains energy for many people. Chronic interrupters ask probing questions that change the direction of a conversation; without asking, they share why and how they can relate, making the conversation about themselves; and they prove that they’re not really listening but instead thinking about what to say next.
HOW TO MAKE STANDARDS PRACTICAL: CREATING THE PLAYBOOK
Standards only work if you translate them into behavior and then follow that behavior consistently. When that happens, relationship-building becomes a habit. Below are three simple ways to start creating a playbook that moves you in this direction.
Reflect upon and write/type out your most important standards. This enables you to get clarity on what matters to you. Perhaps your standards are one or more of the above items. Perhaps you can be inspired by what you experience from other friends. Or perhaps you can simply brainstorm what a “perfect” friend would be like for you. Regardless of how you identify these, start small: I recommend 3-5 standards to begin with.
Share your standards. Bring up the topic of friendship standards with those closest to you. Ask them what they think about the idea of setting standards in general, and having specific standards for the relationship the two of you have. In that conversation, share the 3-5 initial standards you’ve come up with and ask them for their thoughts and opinions. And if you sense their openness to what you’ve shared, ask them about standards they may have as well, or would want to have.
Ask for agreement. This one takes a bit more courage. For each person you share your standards with, ask if they are comfortable with trying to meet them. It’s possible they may ask you the same with the standards they shared, so be prepared!
STANDARDS AS A COMPASSIONATE FILTER
There’s a misconception that standards are cold or exclusionary. They aren’t. They’re a compassionate filter: they help you invest in people who are aligned with your values and preserve time for those relationships to grow. Furthermore, setting standards for friendship - and holding yourself to them - is an act of self-compassion.
Compassion isn’t staying friends with those whose values are diverging from yours; after all, friends like that are likely experiencing frustration as well. Compassion is recognizing that you have friends whose standards may be similar to yours, and want similar things from the friendship as you do.
In the workshops I’ve held, people described standards as clarifying, not punitive. They let you say yes to deeper connection and no - with kindness - to what drains you.
FINAL THOUGHT
If you want different friendships, set different standards and meet them. Standards turn messy social signals and expectations into a clear path: one that is rooted in honesty, candor, and care. When you stop hoping and instead start setting clear standards, your friendships don’t become colder…they become better.