5 Standards to Help You Boost Your Self-Confidence

Because it's something that virtually all of us struggle with at different points in life.

In recent months, I've become fascinated with the subject of self-confidence.

My interest emerged while updating The Junto Institute's emotional intelligence curriculum for new managers and emerging leaders. As you can see in the image of The Building Blocks of Emotionally Intelligent Leadership, confidence is one of the four blocks that make up our self-awareness.

What I realized was that I had done countless hours of research, thinking, writing, and teaching on the other three blocks and felt quite confident about our coverage of those topics. But as I reflected on self-confidence, despite the hours of work I had put into it over the years, I felt merely comfortable and, ironically, not very confident.

So I leaned into the disparity, began doing a lot more research and thinking and writing, and am happy to say that I'm feeling more confident than before. Between what I thought I knew, what I was learning, and this very experience I just shared, I was able to reach some interesting conclusions. The most critical one was that, like all aspects of emotional intelligence, there are behavioral standards we can set to build our self-confidence.

What I'm hoping is that, for those who lack self-confidence, these standards provide some hope for improvement and some inspiration for experimenting with new approaches. And for those who have self-confidence, my wish is that these standards challenge existing beliefs and reveal opportunities for continued improvement.

But first, some context.

WHAT IS SELF-CONFIDENCE?

That's a loaded question.

While self-confidence has long been one of the competencies of self-awareness, psychologists and other social/behavioral scientists don't seem to have an agreed-upon definition for what it is. They often blend or contrast it with similar concepts such as self-esteem (how we think of ourselves), self-sufficiency (our reliance on self), self-efficacy (situational self-confidence), or self-assurance (a synonym).

When you add in the complex language that scientists are prone to use, it makes self-confidence harder to understand and less practical. So in my efforts to better understand the subject, I tried to better understand each of the related concepts above, and distill what their relationship was to self-confidence.

I concluded that self-confidence often includes many of those concepts while the opposite is not the case. Taking a leap of faith (and trusting my own self-confidence ;-), I believe this is why self-confidence has its place in emotional intelligence instead of one of the other concepts.

That said, my three-part interpretation of self-confidence is:

1. a positive state of mind influenced by self-acceptance, well-being, skills, and experiences

2. feelings of optimism about our ability to perform roles, functions, and tasks

3. therefore, a belief in our ability to produce a desired outcome

One thing to clarify is that self-confidence does not mean arrogance or delusion. Being self-confident means you have faith in yourself and are self-assured in the relevant context or situation. In other words, self-confidence is a virtuous trait, necessary for emotionally intelligent behavior.

WHY IT MATTERS

If you've ever felt like you were in the right role or told yourself, "I got this," you've experienced self-confidence. You were probably able to set goals, take initiative, make progress, and achieve outcomes.

If you've ever felt imposter syndrome or told yourself, "I can't do this," you've experienced a lack of self-confidence. You may have felt insecure, were probably confused about where to begin, engaged in procrastination, felt sorry for yourself, or believed you didn't belong.

As you can see, self-confidence matters, and there are three reasons why.

1. Researchers call it the "central mediating construct of achievement strivings." In plain English, it's the basis for our motivation and ability to achieve things...without it, making things happen becomes so much harder.

2. Behavioral scientists have concluded that self-confidence helps us regulate our emotions and actions. When we have belief in ourselves, we're more able to overcome obstacles and not let them derail our progress.

3. Self-confidence helps us make sound decisions, especially in the face of uncertainty, urgency, and high stakes. We know there are external factors that may be in our way but because we believe in ourselves, we have the capacity to engage our rational mind rather than falling prey to our emotions.

LOCUS OF CONTROL

Studies have found that people with higher self-confidence have a stronger internal locus of control, meaning that you believe you can influence the outcomes in your life. Having a stronger external locus of control means that you believe your life outcomes are influenced by outside factors, such as fate, luck, or chance.

Most of us fall somewhere along the spectrum of locus of control rather than purely at one end, acknowledging that sometimes external factors do play a role (weather, other people's actions, etc.) if we have a strong internal locus of control, or that sometimes our own actions made a difference (asking for a raise, exercising, etc.) if we lean to the external side.

Knowing where we fall on this spectrum is important because it affects our self-confidence. And while much of our locus of control was influenced by our parents and childhood experiences, scientists have found that it can change in our adulthood because we increasingly gain agency over our lives.

For many people, this agency leads to a mindset that they have the power of choice: that they can choose their mood, their actions, their relationships, and yes, their circumstances (recent studies are even starting to show that we can choose happiness and joy). So what happens is that self-confidence becomes a virtuous cycle: an internal locus of control leads to personal agency which leads to power of choice which leads to life outcomes. And seeing those outcomes begins the cycle all over again.

THE IMPORTANCE OF WELL-BEING

In recent years, the topic of well-being has become front-and-center, especially in the workplace. While there has long been plenty of research on physical well-being, most advances in the mental and emotional types have occurred in the past 10-15 years, largely due to neuroimaging technologies that allow scientists to see what happens in the brain as a result of different stimuli and our daily routines.

One of the most fascinating outcomes of this research has led to a grouping of neurotransmitters and hormones that contribute to our joy, satisfaction, and meaning. This group is known as the "happy chemicals": dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins (easily remembered by the acronym DOSE).

In addition to driving positive emotions and moods, the happy chemicals also give you energy, improve your focus and, yes, build your confidence. In fact, scientists have concluded that physiological well-being is a necessary ingredient for self-confidence: the better we feel, the more belief we have in ourselves.

They've also concluded that we can take specific actions to trigger these hormones and neurotransmitters, demonstrating once again our power of choice. In other words, one of the best ways to build your self-confidence is to gradually focus on your well-being (I encourage you to research these happy chemicals on your own; there are countless websites that explain each one in detail, along with the various foods, activities, and people that can increase their flow in your brain and body).

Getting a consistent DOSE of happy chemicals has a compound effect because it also helps mitigate the flow of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, both of which can negatively affect our self-confidence. In other words, the more effort we put into feeling good, the more we push away feeling bad.

BEHAVIORAL STANDARDS FOR SELF-CONFIDENCE

Taking into account what self-confidence is, the importance of choice and locus of control, and the power of well-being, here are the standards I believe are instrumental to boosting your self-confidence.

1. Experiences. Each time you try something new, it's a learning opportunity. Whether it's tasks, food, travel, hobbies, activities, or relationships, you have the ability to gain knowledge and perspective that contributes to your wisdom. Secondly, when you experience performance accomplishments, you get a boost of self-confidence, especially when they're recognized by others. And third, when you engage in competition - whether light and playful, or intense and serious - you learn where you stand against others.

2. Feedback. The way you can intentionally get feedback is by being in relationships and situations where you can ask for constructive and appreciative input about your performance, character, interpersonal skills, development, and more. Studies have found that "admiration-based opinions" actually improve our self-confidence, so while you may be inclined to ask how you can improve, seeking out what people see as your strengths is more critical to building self-confidence.

3. Self-reflection. Consistently setting aside time to think about yourself, be contemplative, and examine your thoughts and behaviors is a powerful practice in itself. Whether through journaling, mindfulness exercises, or mere solitude, self-reflection can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and greater self-acceptance, serving as a foundation for building self-confidence. Engaging in self-reflection can also lead to self-affirmation regarding the areas of your life you're "performing" well in, providing an additional lift to self-confidence.

4. Self-care. This is different from self-reflection but mutually reinforcing. It's making the intentional effort to improve and maintain your mental and emotional well-being. As discussed above, one of the simplest formulas for improved well-being is a steady flow of "happy chemicals" from engaging with people and in activities that make you feel good. Scientists have found that our physiological state has a direct impact on feelings of self-confidence so the more you invest in movement, nutrition, sleep, and healthy relationships, the better.

5. Practice. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, is the behavioral standard of working on something long enough to see improvement in your skills, whether gradual or sudden. We all know the power that repetition, persistence, and determination can have on our self-confidence. We learn it at an early age in school and it continues to be relevant in our later years. In addition to this type of "practice," the other one that is important to note is building a practice of self-confidence, much like you might with a writing practice, yoga practice, emotional intelligence practice, etc.

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As you may have noticed, these standards are more like categories as opposed to specific behaviors. Like most things in life, what works for one person isn't likely to work for the next. Therefore, if you feel inspired by any of them, I hope you'll invest the time to experiment with different behaviors within that category to find ones that work for you.